I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
