I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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