and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
