oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm passing your future prison.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
