The maid of honor just puked.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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