thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
