Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
