btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
