Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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