I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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