Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
