Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
