im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
