Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
