you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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