So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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