I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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