I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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