I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
