Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
