If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
