Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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