didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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