Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
