you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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