Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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