she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
