I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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