At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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