You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
