erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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