he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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