just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
