It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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