Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
