I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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