And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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