hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
