You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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