Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
