Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
