I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
