MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
