Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
