So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
