Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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