just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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