it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I AM VODKA MAN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
