There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
