The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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