Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
