there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
