doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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