Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
