He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
